"and I will give him a white stone, and a new name written on the stone which no one knows but he who receives it." -Revelation 2.17b
Two of my favorite movies, Gladiator and Secondhand Lions, have similar scenes where a man shares his identity. He doesn't simply state his name, but he tells an adversary who he is. Maximus stares down Commodus, Hub takes on four teenagers, two men who know who they are and what they are made of boldly take on an enemy and confidently live life. The first time I really paid attention to Gladiator the scene gave me chills, and I wanted a name like that.
During my first years out of college I thought I had an idea of who I was. I had read Wild at Heart and The Way of the Wild Heart, and I thought I was pretty far along my own journey of masculinity. I was really kidding myself, putting up a front, and hoping no one else would notice. I remember one time Jeremy and I were hiking, talking about the second book, and he asked me, "So where are you in the journey?" I remember my response was, "I feel like I should be here, but really I feel like I'm at the beginning." That was the first time I had ever admitted that.
I wanted a name, an identity; not something meaningless and made up, but something that spoke of who I really was and why I was here. I wanted a name like Maximus shared, an identity like Hub McCann, but I had no idea how to go about getting one. These men had fought battles, endured suffering and hardship, and led others. I had been let go from three different churches, spent time unemployed and under employed, and had to work jobs that had nothing to do with what I felt called to do. I had a lot of dreams and goals, but there didn't seem to be anyone willing to give me a chance. I just felt stuck, alone, and lost. I had a front up, but I knew it was just that, there was nothing behind it, and I was just hoping to fake it until I finally figured everything out.
At that time, I was writing a blog focused on reaching men, and I was working my way through the Bible, writing about how it spoke to men and who God calls us to be as men. This would end up being the thing that finally proved to be turning point in my life. I was reading a story I had read so many times, but this time, for some reason, it stood out to me in a new way and made me think. In Judges 14, Samson kills a lion that comes out of no where and attacks him. As I read the story I began looking for other lion killers in the Bible, and this would lead me to a study that has lasted more than three years.
I began seeing lions everywhere, began watching videos of lion hunts on YouTube, legit ones done by the Masai with spears, and I began to really look at the lion stories in the Bible. (I'm working on a book based on the last three years of study and personal discovery, but it's a slow process). In the midst of all of this, my now ex-wife left. I was facing hardship and battle like I never had before, but in this, God began to show me who I was and what I'm made of. This experience has helped me know who I am, understand my passion, though I'm still working on more fully understanding this and developing it, and all of that has begun to point me to what I'm here to do.
My journey to discover my God given name, my true identity, started accidentally from a deep personal longing that had been building for years. It would take more years to understand it, but once I did, my brothers confirmed my identity...
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
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