Divorce, by Will

Both of my parents are from divorced homes. As a result, they were committed to stick together. Growing up as a believer, divorce was one of those things that was never an option, but yesterday I found myself in a place I never expected to be. Yesterday, after over two years of the process, my marriage was terminated by the court. It's something I've known was coming for a long time, but the finality of it has brought on feelings and emotions I didn't expect. People talk about this so casually because, sadly, it's a regular part of life today, but this isn't right, it isn't normal, and it isn't at all what God wants.

This is really fresh, less than 24 hours old, and in all honesty, I probably haven't even begun to process this enough to write about it; however, part of me feels that this is part of the healing process. Dads get screwed, I can now confirm that that is the case. I want to be bitter. I want to respond in spite, and spill a lot of things on here, but I know that isn't the right response, and if I did that wouldn't be doing what is best for my girls. I know that that response isn't going to do any good, and simply makes things harder for my girls. At this point I'm simply trying to process, heal, pick up the pieces, and move forward with the knowledge that life isn't over, and I'm still a dad who my girls need.

I've thought about this post for the past few months, and one of the things that has consistently come to mind are the lyrics from a song in my Daddy Daughters play list:

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
Don't let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

-Verse 2 of "I hope you Dance"

Right now there is a lot of uncertainty in my life. I'm not sure what the future looks like, and I have financial concerns. I'm not sure where I go career wise, and I'm questioning a lot about God. It's a rough place to be. I find myself questioning a lot of the legal decisions I made over the past two years, as well as the counsel that I was given by my church. I find myself frustrated because I tried to do things God's way, and I feel like God let me down. I want to trust that God will deal with the issues the courts wouldn't, but part of me doubts very much that He ever will.

So where do I go now? Well, today I'm going to work. Tonight I'll go home and pack some more stuff up. Tomorrow I'll do that again. Saturday I'll see my girls. Sunday I'll take them to church. Beyond the routine I don't know. One of my pastors wants to work with me on some things, and part of me isn't sure that I want to. Part of me doesn't see the point, and doubts that it matters at all at this point.

I don't feel like dancing, and the path of least resistance is very appealing.

And then there is the identity that I have felt God has been speaking into me, and realizing that this situation is a chance to claim it. My reaction now determines who I'll be as a man, and as a dad.

My mind is now blank, and so since this is the beginning of the process, I'll simply end this here.

TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!