As humans we tend towards the easy and safe, which leads us down the ordinary, well-traveled road. And I think that a lot of humans are bored and unsatisfied with life. We live, we work, we try to be comfortable, and then we die, probably full of regrets. That isn't the life I want, but that is the life I find myself living.
Like everyone else, I had a plan for my life. I had goals I worked towards, dreams I wanted to accomplish (yes I'm aware that I'm only 30) but my life stopped going the way I had planned when I was 17. Back in high school I was a wrestler. I loved the sport. I had a dream of becoming a state champion, and I worked hard, three workouts a day pretty much year round, in order to attain my goal. It never happened. My junior year of high school was shaping up to be my best season to date. I was wrestling well and felt I had a really good shot at making it to the state tournament, possibly even placing. Three weeks before the postseason started, I lost my varsity spot. I'll spare you the details, but at that point my world changed. That one moment of disappointment has shaped the last 13 years of my life.
The movie The Ghost and the Darkness has this line "We have an expression in prize fighting: 'Everyone has a plan until they've been hit.' Well my friend, you've just been hit. The getting up is up to you." I had a plan until I got hit. I never got back up. I didn't wrestle my senior year. Never made it to state, never won.
The second most defining moment in the past decade came early in 2010. I was serving as a youth and young adult pastor at a church in Michigan, and it was going well. The young adult ministry was growing rapidly and the teens were developing. We had a Sunday School meeting that spring which I haven't recovered from. I don't remember the specifics, but I felt the passion leave me in that meeting. The pastor later confirmed that he saw the fire leave my eyes. At that point I stopped singing on Sunday morning (I would stand in the front row and browse the pages of my Bible). I used to arrive at the church early each day and pray, that stopped. I led Saturday night prayer meetings which also ended. I've had moments of deep connection with God since then, but they have been sporadic. The passion had died, and I spent the next few years doing ministry out of my head and not so much my heart.
Right now I feel that I'm at a defining moment, one that will shape the rest of my life. For the past few years I have felt God pulling on me, wanting to bring healing from these defining wounds, to help me get back up, and restore the passion and intimacy we used to have. But repeated disappointments have made me wary. Getting hit sucks, and part of me is tired of it. But I hate quitting, sadly it's the easier option.
I've been told that I'm a very hard person to read. I don't let people get close to me, and I don't share my emotions easily. My guard is up all the time, and if I'm honest, my guard has been up towards God. I know Him, I believe He can do amazing things, but because of my experiences, I believe those great things are for everyone else. All the great stories of the Bible are true, and the same God who did those things is still at work today. I'll tell you what He has done, and I'll tell you what can happen in your life, but when it comes to my own experiences, God seems to have let me down.
All of this comes down to identity. People who don't know me have tried to label me, and this is part of the reason I don't let anyone get close to me. Their labels are false and hurtful. And then there is God. The experiences of my life have led me to believe things about how God sees me that aren't true, but the message has been so loudly repeated for so long that it's hard to hear anything else.
Failure. Weak. Disappointment. Worthless. Unlovable.
For the past few years I've thought about Revelation 2.17b off and on, "To him who overcomes, to him I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, and a new name written on the stone which no one knows but he who receives it." For the past few weeks this verse has been on my mind a lot. This name is the name that God gives us. This is the name that He knows us by. This is the identity He created us for, and desires to give us. This new name is our true name, our real identity.
I feel that God has been calling out to me, offering me the identity, the name, that He wants to bestow on me. It isn't one of shame, fear or weakness, but of strength, boldness, and honor. It is His name for me. It is who He sees me to be. This is His name for me, my true identity from the Creator and loving Father.
I feel that I know the name God desires for me to have, and I have a sense for how it could shape the rest of my life. It is the life that I want, but it is also a life of risk. It means dropping my guard towards God, and daring to believe that the things I believe are true for everyone else are also true for me. It means believing that the God who I know can do great things in everyone else's lives wants to do them in my life.
Living under God's identity doesn't mean there are no more hits, Revelation says, "To him who overcomes". It means, to quote Rocky, "Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you permanently there if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life, but it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now if you know what you are worth, go out and get what you are worth, but you gotta be willing to take the hits and not pointing fingers, saying you ain’t where you want to be because of him or her or anybody. Cowards do that, and that ain’t you. You’re better than that."
Am I'm willing to take the hits? It's easy to blame my coach for me not being a state champion, but I lost, and I didn't go back for my last season. It's easy to blame the church I was in, but I let myself get caught up in the politics of church business and lost sight of the fruitful ministry God was doing through me. The identity I feel that God is giving me is not safe, and neither is the one He wants to give you. The identity I feel God is giving to me is going to require everything, after all the Bible says it is for those who overcome, and so will the one He wants to give you.
"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." (John 16.33) Jesus said it, you will have trouble for as long as you live. People will let you down, dreams will fall through. But take courage because I have overcome the world and offer you my peace. Endure the hardships and receive your true name, the identity that I have given you.
It all comes down to the choice. Struggle through life, searching for meaning and never opening up, or embracing the struggle knowing that I'm not alone, and that along the way I will become who I am really meant to be.
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
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