My most vivid memory comes from early on in the trip. We were in our raft and as we came up to a rapid our guide told us, "It's a class 2, but you can swim it if you want." Aaron was sitting across from me in the boat and he looked at me and said, "Do you want to do it?" I was like "Alright", and we climbed out of the boat into the river. The guide told us to stay right behind the raft and swim, but as we started, the current took the boat and we just looked at each other. As we approached the rapid and saw the first wave I was thinking, "This was a mistake" and needless to say, it was rough.
We tried swimming and that was hard. We then flipped over on our backs, toes up, and that was worse because the water would come up and cover our faces. I tried turning around allowing the back of my life vest to block the water, but that just meant I couldn't see the waves and hold my breath before they hit me. I'd love to say I kept my cool and made it through the rapid just fine, but I'd be lying. If I'm honest, I was a little panicked. I was at the mercy of the river, having trouble breathing and difficulty moving forward towards the raft. Everything I tried seemed to make the situation harder. At one point I caught site of the guide in the raft and waved my hand hoping he would throw me a rope, but he didn't. Aaron made it through and back to raft, and shortly after I made it to the calm pool where the raft was waiting for us. I was exhausted, and Aaron helped me back into the boat.
We finished the trip with no issues. No one in our boat fell out and the worst injury was the fantastic sun burns Russ and I got (we ended up going to buy aloe that night so we could sleep). We ended the trip the next day with breakfast at Biscuit World, and then I began to reflect on the weekend. I began to reflect on that moment caught in the rapid wondering if I was going to drown. The guide saw me, his eyes were on me the whole time, but he didn't do anything to help me, and the reason he didn't was because I didn't need him to save me. He knew that as long as my head stayed above the water I'd get through the rapid and back to the boat safely.
I'm finding that God works in the same way. The focus of our fellowship is the masculine journey. Right now we're working through The Way of the Wild Heart by John Eldredge. We've all grown up in a generation that has lost the tradition of initiation, but it's something all of us have been longing for. In our mid to late twenties we began to be intentional about our initiation as men of God. We're looking for the things our dad's couldn't do for us because their dad's didn't do it for them, and we are determined to break the cycle for ourselves, and any boys we have the opportunity to guide, either biological sons, or spiritual ones.
In the book, Eldredge outlines the six stages that God intended for every man to experience during his life, and I've been amazed at how God has guided our retreats to fit the stage we are focusing on. This year we looked at stage 2, the Cowboy stage. This time is meant to focus on adventure and hard work, and white water rafting fits that so well. It takes work to get form the top of the river to the bottom, but it's an adventure to be caught up in the power of the river. It is at this stage of the masculine journey when initiation really begins. It is here that the question of "Do I have what it takes?" is meant to be answered.
As I've read, and re-read, the chapters on this stage in my preparation for the trip and reflection for the coming year (the retreats are meant to give focus for the upcoming year, and on the first night of each one we share what God has done in our lives since the last one), this section of the book stood out to me:
How much of my life have I been misinterpreting? How many things have I just written off as hassle or "life is hard," or even as warfare, when in fact God was in it, in the difficulty, wanting to Father me?
I'm not ready to go into the details of the past year of my life yet, but as I've stated in a previous post, it has been the most difficult time of my life. When everything began to fall apart at the beginning my prayer was for God to fix it and just make the problems go away, He didn't. I questioned His goodness and His love for me, and while the guidance of pastors and a counselor helped, it wasn't until that day, caught in a class 2 rapid, that everything started to make sense.
God could have fixed my problem right at the beginning, but if He had, I would have missed out on so much that I have learned. God could have thrown me a rope and pulled me back to the boat, but He didn't, because He knew I wouldn't drown. And while God didn't pull me out of the rapid, He never took His eyes off of me. He used the experiences of the past year to really show me who I am, and who He created me to be. He was there, in the difficult times, fathering me, showing me that I have what it takes, and initiating me into His man.
The process of masculine initiation is something that God has to do for me, and for about eight years of my life I thought it was happening. I had read Eldredge, even blogged through his books. I thought I knew what to do and that I knew who I was. But then everything came crashing down, and it's in those moments you learn what you’re made of. At that point I began to really get serious about allowing God to initiate me as the man He created me to be. I've come to see that you have to be serious about this, because it isn't an easy undertaking for the faint of heart. God isn't going to step in and fix everything, because if He did, I'd never realize who He made me to be. But I have come to see that He is at work, especially during the hard times, helping me to see who I am in Him.
God is present in the difficulty, fathering us, and never taking His eyes off of us. You will not drown in the rapid, but God isn't always going to through you a rope because He wants you to see that you have what it takes. He is present in the difficult times, and He is always fathering and initiating us as His men.
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
We're the back four, Aaron is back left, Russ is in front of him, I'm back right and Ty is in front of me, sadly Jeremy and Kenny were unable to make it on this outing.
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