This past week marked the official completion of my first CPE unit. The past four months have been one of the best experiences of my life. It has pushed me in ways that were uncomfortable but necessary, helping me to lower my guard, hold the tension of my emotions, and come to a better understanding of my own feelings. I have responded to 30 deaths from a 5 year old to 94. I've sat with patients who have received news that cancer is terminal, those waiting for lifesaving treatment, and those who simply wanted someone to talk to. I've met some amazing people who have challenged me and helped me grow. This unit has also brought further insight into my own story and the role healing plays in being able to use my story to guide others to their own healing.
It's weird being done, and it brings with it a lot of mixed emotions. I really enjoyed my initial CPE experience, going to class each week and being around people who genuinely accepted me as I was and wanted to see and help me grow was an experience I haven't had a lot of in life, and so Wednesday was something I looked forward to. Then there were clinical hours, and while being stuck inside on a beautiful Saturday wasn't my first choice, the time I spent with patients was always rewarding, because I was with people who needed me at a very difficult or scary time. But then COVID-19 happened, and it changed the process of CPE. Instead of meeting in person, we did class over Zoom. Instead of being able to visit patients, everything was done over the phone. I didn't enjoy the second half as much as the first, but it was in this second half that I actually began to have the biggest personal break through.
Being done with my Unit 1 of CPE is like taking a deep breath after being underwater (to be fair, while CPE was a bit intense, the reality is that everything else going on in my own life and in the world added to the overwhelming nature of it). Having completed this, there is a sense of a burden being removed, there is one less thing on my plate right now. At the same time, there is a sense of accomplishment, I did that. I remember going into the unit feeling overwhelmed and sick to my stomach, I had no appetite and was extremely anxious. I had very little idea what I was getting into, and what I thought I was getting into wasn't actually what I was getting into. I had no idea how I was going to fulfill the assignments for the unit, and I wasn't sure what it was going to look like adding 24 hours a week in class and clinical hours to my full time job and other responsibilities as a husband and father.
I feel like I should say something profound about the state of the world right now. COVID and the role the media and politics have played in it, the state of politics in America and the election this year, riots over racism, but honestly, I don't know that I really have anything to say about it. It's all a mess, the situation is hard, and there is no easy answer or solution, and as much as I hate to admit it to myself, I can't fix this. But one thing I've learned in CPE is that I don't have to. I don't have to carry the weight of the world, I don't have to solve everyone's problems, I'm allowed to be angry about it, I'm allowed to be tired and worn out, I'm allowed to be a human being. I don't have to have all the answers.
The world is a mess, humanity is a mess, and God is still God. I'm learning more about who God is and how He relates to us in times of hardship and suffering. I'm realizing that God doesn't work according to our theology because God exists outside of our theology; His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. As everything happens around us, it's ok to have no answers and it's ok to be angry. It's ok to question God (more on that in a few weeks/months). The key is trust in the goodness of God, and pursuit of our own individual healing. Trust in God, even when He seems absent and silent allows us to hold on to hope. Our own personal healing allows us to help guide others on their own journey of healing.
It sounds so simple, and if I hadn't been through what I've been through for the past half decade I'd say it was just words, but my own journey has been difficult and these are the truths I have found, or am finding to be true.
Fight the lion, 1 Peter 5.1-11
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
