Over the weekend I reached a new milestone in life, I turned 30. Back when I was a teenager 30 was so old, but now that I'm here I'm realizing that even though I'm not as young as I used to be (I've been feeling that way for years now), I'm really not that old. I'm at the age when Jesus began the main stage of His earthly ministry, and I feel that for perhaps the first time in my life I have an actual awareness of wanting to be part of something bigger than myself, and an idea of what God has for my life.
Over the past year I've been through the most trying challenge of my life, and God has used that to refocus, or perhaps for the first time, focus His plan for my life. For more than half my life I've felt that I had to serve God through church ministry. I felt that the church was the only avenue to fully serve God. I pursued this course of action fully. I graduated at the top of my class, had great encouragement and references from my professors, and was able to intern in some fantastic churches. But when I finally got on staff the situation was different. You don't start, typically, in the places with all of the resources. Every church has plenty of need and opportunity, but many of them don't have the willing man power or finances to make the most of them.
When my last full time church position ended a little over four years ago I was frustrated. I had poured myself into this call that I felt God had placed on my life. I had excelled academically. I had been able to meet and learn from some amazing leaders. I had been given an opportunity and tried my best to make something happen, and I failed pretty spectacularly. I began looking for another church position. I had a couple interviews that I turned down, I applied for a job I desperately wanted, but didn't get. I ended up working at an industrial supply warehouse, and going to school preparing for the next church job.
Over the past few years I've really felt God leading me away from full time church ministry, and to be honest, I've been denying the leading of the Spirit because it terrifies me. The church is an area I'm familiar with, and to a point, know how to function within, but in recent months, God has been showing me that His plan for my life, at least for the immediate future, does not lead to a pulpit.
I've felt lead into the world of academia, at the moment, I'm feeling like God is leading me to become a college professor of Biblical Studies. As I've sought counsel on this impression, the feedback I've been given has been overwhelmingly positive. In so many ways this course plays to my spiritual gifting and personality, as well as my hopes and dreams, in a way that church ministry does not.
Now that I'm in my third decade, I've felt my focus shift. I've been listening to a lot of audio books recently, and yesterday I finished The Catcher in the Rye. There was a quote that really stood out to me, "The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one." For me, church ministry was dying nobly. It was something I pursued out of a sense of duty, but if I'm honest, it sucked the life out of me. The thought of academia energizes me. In many ways it is a behind the scenes role, training those who will go out and do something, but I'm honestly really excited about the potential of being able to invest in the lives of so many people.
Twice Proverbs says, "There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death." (14.12, 16.25) I've spent my life trying to serve God in my way, and while it hasn't been a total waste, it hasn't been abundantly fruitful. My pursuit of God's service has brought about a lot of stress, hardship, and brokenness. My immaturity could not set aside what I thought I was supposed to do and listen to what God was trying to lead me. The past year has caused me to surrender a lot. It has caused me to do a lot of listening. The path that I am now embarking upon is not going to be an easy one. There will be years of academic study, even now the thought of all of it is overwhelming me, but I am reminded that what God has called me to, He will make a way for. Proverbs 16.3 says, "Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established."
At 30, perhaps for the first time in my life, I'm committing my works to God. I see time slipping away, and I'm tired of wasting it. I've lived for three decades, and feel that I really have made no impression for the Kingdom, and I don't want to get to the end of this and look back at all the dreams and goals that I never accomplished because I was so focused on how I felt that I had to serve God.
I want my remaining time on this planet to be committed to the Lord.
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
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