Girls, by Will

For a long time, I've wanted a son; I think every guy does. Then I read a couple of books by John Eldredge, and my desire for a son became even greater. The more I learned about masculinity, and the stages God created a man to go through, I've wanted a boy to guide through this journey. I've always thought that having a son would help me better understand the love of God for me. On October 23, 2013, I found out I was going to have a daughter, and on November 5, 2015, I found out I was going to have another daughter. I have never been so happy that God didn't answer a prayer.

Girls are different than boys. I've had to learn how to paint nails (their's not mine, although my three year old has asked me more than once if she can paint mine), and I'm getting used to dress up clothes and baby dolls. I've never said "You're so beautiful" so much, and I've realized that being able to do different hair styles is a skill I'll have to acquire. Having girls has been good for me.

These two little girls have had me wrapped around their fingers since the day they were born. I love my girls so much, and I am so glad God gave me daughters. They are my princesses, I call my oldest "Belle" and my youngest "Cinderella". My oldest loves Belle, she was Belle for Halloween, and now all she wants to wear is her Belle dress, with matching socks (this is a must). When my youngest was learning to walk, she would always lose one shoe, just one, and so the nickname took. She's getting a Cinderella dress for Christmas. (In all future posts I'll refer to my girls by these nicknames) If you think about these princesses, they never had it easy. They overcome adversity through courage, kindness, and endurance. These are the lessons and qualities I want to instill in my girls. I want them to have courage, to face the things that scare them and take risks. I want them to be kind, with a caring and compassionate nature that is willing to serve. I want them to have resilient grit, that will stay focused on a goal, and pursue it even when it gets hard.

I've talked about initiation, knowing your true name, the need for brothers, battle, and healing, and it's easy for me to get caught up in the ministry with my brothers, and focus on helping them invest in their sons, doing what our dads never did for us. But all the time that I do this, I'm reminded that I have two girls, and they need the same foundation.

Everything that our group is focused on is about us becoming the men God created us to be. Eldgredge points out that a man's greatest characteristic is his strength, that God made a man to be strong, and that the main purpose of masculine initiation is for a man to find his strength so that he can offer it to others. As I continue to reflect back on my failed marriage, one question that keeps popping up is "what role did I play in the issue?" To sum up the answer that I've come up with, it was a failure of my strength. I didn't understand it, didn't ever realize I needed to find it, had nothing to offer, or rather didn't realize what I had to offer, and failed to come through when I was needed because I didn't know that I could and so I fell back into passivity.

That is all changing, the divorce process caused me to wake up to the things I needed to do in my own life, and I can honestly say that I have seen the truth of Romans 8.28-30 begin to play out. I have started to see how God can make all things work out for good in the process of transforming us into Christlikeness. And in this process of transformation, I've started to realize not simply who I am, but also what I'm able to offer. I've grown in confidence, and in patience, and I think I've started to figure out how to offer my girls what they need from me as their daddy.

Being a full time dad with only part time access to your kids makes this more of a challenge, but I'm not off the hook, and I'm not taking this calling lightly. I'm working to bond with my girls as much as possible, they're already daddy's girls, but I'm trying to do things with them that will help to establish the traits of courage, kindness, and grit, all while helping them know how beautiful and valued they are in the eyes of both their fathers, earthly and heavenly, because if I mess this up, their whole view of God will be twisted.

I'm in no way an expert, and do not claim to be, but for those of you with girls, or girls on the way, who read this and wonder what to do for a daughter, here are some of the things I'm working on:

Before each of my girls were born I bought them a gift that they will receive from me on their thirteenth birthday (that's all you get right now, more details in 2027 and 2029). It's something that will show them a glimpse of what they mean to me, and how precious and valued they are. Our fellowship has talked about ceremonies for the sons, and I've been thinking about how to do something similar for each of my girls. In the book Becoming Myself: Embracing God's Dream of You by Stasi Eldredge (John's wife), she describes a ceremony of validation that I am working to be able to give to both of my girls. I'm also hoping to one day take them to a ball, because every girl deserves to go to a ball, and so I'm also trying to work out this plan.

I have a daddy/daughters play list that we listen to during bath time and before bed. Right now their are six songs on it: 1) Live Like You're Loved, by Mark Schultz; 2) I'll Be Your Man, by Zac Brown Band; 3) Safe and Sound, by Matthew West; 4) Cinderella, by Steven Curtis Chapman; 5) I Hope You Dance, by Lee Ann Womack; and 6) My Little Girl, by Tim McGraw. These all point to their value, the love and protection of their daddy, their dreams, and what they can accomplish. These are the foundations I want them to know, that they are loved deeply by God and their daddy, that daddy is always going to be there for them, that they can do anything they are willing to work for, and that risks and chances are worth taking, and no matter what, they will always be my little girls.

I'm working to instill a love of hiking in my girls. I'm trying to teach them about all of the cool gear you get to buy (I repeatedly blame Jeremy for this one, I've lost track of how much he's cost me by getting me really into hiking/backpacking), and how to dress in layers. In this, I'm hoping they learn to love the simple things, and learn that it's ok to take time for yourself, escape, and be alone with God in nature.

I'm trying to teach them who God is, and how to pray. We've been reading from the kids Bible Belle got at her dedication, and I'm trying to explain what these stories mean (getting a 3 and 1 year old to understand the consequences of original sin is super fantastic), and in this I'm hoping they learn how to have a personal relationship with God.

I'm constantly offering affirmation to them. I'm always telling them how much they are loved. I'm always telling them how beautiful they are. I'm always reaffirming their skills, and encouraging them to keep trying.

All of that sounds like it should be so common sense, so simple that every dad should do it. Sadly that isn't the case. It's because dad's have failed at being daddy, satisfied to simply be a father, that women feel the constant pressure to conform, look a certain way, or give themselves away. The world has brutalized femininity, because dad's have refused to offer their strength to their girls, or perhaps more accurately, have never discovered the strength they have to offer to them, and have left them to find their worth and value from people and places that have nothing true to offer. I'm not a perfect dad, as much as I'd like to be for my girls, I'm not. I hope nothing that I have said comes across as arrogant boasting, I simply know that my mind was never geared towards what a daughter would need until I had them, and if I can help another dad out I want to. I know there are countless things I could do better at, but I'm just hoping that what I give them is what they need, and that I'm able to give them a sense of their true beauty, worth, and a knowledge of who God is.

Men, your girls need you. They need you to be a man for them. Your girls need you to know who you are so that you can offer them what they need. Just as a son needs an identity, a name, so do daughters. Just as a son needs a foundation and affirmation of his masculinity, so do daughters. The process of masculine initiation is not simply for those with sons, but for all men, because the world needs the strength of men. Sons, both your own, or those who have no daddy to father them and initiate them, need a true man to lead them. Daughters, again both yours and those with no daddy, need a true man to offer validation and help them know the beauty they posses. That is what a man is called to offer.

Your initiation is not simply for you, but for others. God has given you a strength, it is up to you to discover it, and it is your responsibility to offer it. I don't have a son of my own to invest in, God has given me girls, but they need me just as much, and I will be there for them, no matter what it takes. I will offer them all that I can, so that when the world tries to tear them down, the comments have no impact because they have heard the truth from me.

I'm getting a little angry as I'm typing all of this, I hate that there are women, somebodies daughters, that didn't get this from their dads, and I hate what they have put themselves through, or been put through, because of it. I need to stop writing so I don't start ranting.

Men, God has given you a strength that this world desperately needs. The sons and daughters of this world that have no daddy need YOU. God has given you a strength so that you can do something about it. Find your strength, and offer it.

TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!